It isn't early, neither is it late. I'm currently in between, in many aspects with a number of reasons. There are a lot of things I should be doing at the moment but my brain's still dead and my heart is stubborn heart keeps urging me to write something for the sake of healing.

I've been exhausted and frustrated for the past few weeks because of the never-ending-anxiety caused by the requirements of OUR-not-so-INTRICATE course but...it isn't just all about that. I don't know where I should stand, I don't know how I should express myself in ways that wouldn't hurt people involved.

It's sad reminiscing about moments you really treasure -the simple joys of life you experience with people important to you. Yet you will never have the assurance that it would be the same weeks, months, or years from now.

It is indeed true that PEOPLE COME AND GO. There are those who leave you with happy memories, there are those who leave you hurt to teach you lessons about life. Sometimes, a few choose to stay because they want you in their lives.

I have always valued friendship, even in my younger days. Yes, I may have a big circle of friends, I hang out with them, I talk to a lot of people everyday. But you must know that only a few know the real me, only a few can get a glimpse of what's really inside my heart and my mind, only a few can understand all the "why's". I can be a best friend to almost everyone, but we cannot deny the fact that not all of them would be able to see and value that. To be honest, I hate it when THINGS CHANGE. Not because of the fact that pain is inevitable, but because of the truth that I gave my best...I really gave my best.
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Dear treasured best friend,

I don't know if you will ever get to read this, but I see no point in giving you this as a letter. I pray that by the time you get to read this, I have already healed. I just want to express my feelings, and what's inside me. Because there is no other way I know than writing...

It's really sad things had to end up like this.

First, you must know that I am never good in expressing my feelings VOCALLY. I do not hate confrontations, I hate the fact that it is my weakness to FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY that wouldn't hurt you or make you feel bad, at the same time being able to clearly state what's in my heart. You told me it wouldn't hurt if I said everything earlier, but I thought I could endure the pain.

Second, I know you like HIM for me, but I cannot force my heart to commit to someone I don't really love. You told me, I was being too HARD on him. But you don't know WHAT REALLY HAPPENED and that "HE CHOSE TO GIVE UP." You DON'T KNOW what caused me to STOP giving him a chance. How will you know? That leads to my third point.

Third, Yes, you weren't busy...but we NEVER REALLY HAD ENOUGH TIME TO TALK. Why? Because of our opposite schedules, and most of the time you were with your boyfriend (and I cannot really blame you). And oh, did you even consider that when we ate out together, and he was also there, we had no time to talk and exchange stories? I became busy for a while, but GOD KNOWS I WAS STILL THERE FOR YOU. and that I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR YOU. And again, I chose to join organizations because I was very inactive in my freshman year. Maybe you do not understand this, and I do not have to explain why I want to be active in organizations. Let's just say, it's for future purposes.

Fourth, you can't blame me for my third reason. Because even in schoolwork, he had to be there and again, I can't blame you. It just gets in my nerves when we have important meetings because when he's with us, you seem all happy and energetic but when he's not, you seem so serious and drained. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO REACT. Seriously.

Fifth, I am not the "plastic" type of person who'd show off a fake smile. I am transparent. What's inside me is reflected in how I talk or act. Even if I stay quiet, and try to smile, sadness will still show.

Lastly, I made you an exception. You were the one who stood out among my list of friends, all because I treated you as my best friend. And it just hurt all the more when you told me "you should try opening up to others". It's sad that you didn't really understand what I was trying to tell you. But maybe you're right...I should try. And yes, I was able to open up to others. And I found people who saw my worth, people who wanted me to be in their lives.

Pero sa isip ko lang, ganun nalang ba yun?

How could you forget the times I was there to listen, protect you, and cared for you when you cried and had your heart broken too many times. How could you forget my efforts to make you feel loved when those you wanted to be in your life turned you down. How could you forget the times I tried to make you smile when all you knew was to cry. How could you forget how special I made your birthday all because you were my best friend. I guess you never really knew I planned it, you never knew I made the video, I gathered people to make you videos. I guess you never really knew how important friendship is to me. I guess you never really knew how much I cared, how much I trusted, how much I gave my best. Hindi ako nanunumbat, pero malungkot lang nakalimutan mo yun...bakit kaya? Kasi masaya ka na? Dahil mayroon naman tayong ibang mga kaibigan na pwede mong lapitan? Siguro nga...siguro nga.

We grew apart. In the process of doing so, I know it wasn't at all that hard for you because you have someone special, you have other friends aside from me, and with or without me, I know it wouldn't make a difference.

I'm sorry for not being the person you expected me. I'm sorry if you think I'm too weak to face you and talk to you right away. I'm sorry if it took more than a month to tell you everything I feel but believe me, it isn't that easy.

Thank you for making me realize how much I can really give. Thank you for making me realize how true I can be, and how much I really value friendship. Thank you for making me see that people really do come and go...and if someone does leave, something better could come along.

I don't know if things will ever be the same again. I am not hoping, neither am I expecting. I just wish you'd be happy all the way and that every decision you make would be the best for you.

However,if ever you'd need me, if you'd still need me,
I will be here.
and in my heart,
I can always still be a best friend to you.

Love,
Me.
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For those who have taken time to read this, thank you. And if I may add, you've just gotten a glimpse of what's inside my heart. :]

I will be okay. I will be able to get through. God is with me, my family is with me, I have friends who chose to stay. :] |